As I Began to Love Myself

A beautiful poem by Charlie Chaplin. Thank you Soul Fields and Ambition in the City for posting it to be found and read!

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and                                                           emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody.
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time
was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this
person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens
at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm.
Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do
and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in
my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for
my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude
a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since
I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry
about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING
is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my
mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this
connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”!

Wail

In a class of forty students, I was one amongst the front benchers and still an average student! I had no friends and that apparently was one reason behind my shy demeanour. My mom hated me for this; she always wanted an audacious child. Being a student of an all girls’ school was the reason behind my reclusive nature, my mum thought. She made me change my school. On her tyranny, I was forcefully admitted to a co-ed school. First day; I stepped inside the classroom, and that very moment made me horribly uncomfortable. The environment there was totally different from my previous school. 
But that day was special, very special for me. I met a girl, a newcomer in the school like me. She was made to sit next to me and we perhaps introduced ourselves to each other. She somehow made me comfortable in that strange environment. And that is how we became friends. Time brought us close. She became my best friend. That day indeed was special.


Despite of being together all the time during school hours, we would converse for about 5 to 6 hours on phone; at times our parents would get mad at us. Our teachers loathed us for talking endlessly during the lecture and people envied us; this made us really proud of our friendship.
I was a very secretive person, but I could share anything with her, anything under the sun. We spent hell lot of time together. We laughed, we cried, we fought, it was always fun to be with her. With us being together, everything was just perfect. I could do any damn thing for her I swear.


10 years passed away and we still were best friends, despite of being in two different countries.
One day I received a call. It was from her husband, we greeted each other. With slight huskiness in his voice he said “she’s is no more with us”
A strange burst passed through my body, his statement was evasive for me. I was so shocked that I couldn’t believe my ears. I could not speak a word after that.
He continued “she had a blood cancer, and was at her last stage of cancer”

Without uttering a word, I hung up. I cried furiously, endlessly. I hated her for not telling me about her grief.
I don’t know why she always feigned to be well in front of me. I could not even see her during her last hours. I started gleaning all the memories we had together. I am sure, in life, I can never have a person like her with me.


With time I somehow made myself believe that she is not there with me anymore to listen to all my shit. But I am still not over her. I miss her badly. Every little activity of mine reminds me of her and my eyes fill with tears every time I think of her. Wherever I am, whatever I do, a part of her is always with me.

Dressed to the Nines~

Another Saturday night and yet again another PARTY! Yes I was excited like ever that day as well. No, it wasn’t the usual club night, but the excitement was even more for it was MY BEST FRIENDS BIRTHDAY! I chose my favourite black dress and got my hair styled by the best hair designer around.  I had to look my best; it was my best friend’s party after all.

Done with the dressing up, I left for the party in my BMW. With a lot of gusto in me, I entered the party place. I looked around, and obviously being a girl, I had it in me to notice others dresses and I found none of my friends and other people were dressed like me. All that excitement I had in me was lost at that very moment. Everyone was staring at me, with those weird looks on their faces. I felt I was being a cynosure in the party. But it was embarrassing to me as I felt I was looking gaudy and extravagant in that environment.  One of my friends came to me and asked “why are you so overdone Aashima?”  . And that question of hers made me more uncomfortable that evening.

Ignoring people’s gaze I went to wish my friend, Jai.  He belongs to middle class strata and so the party wasn’t that hi-fi. People were all looking very plain, unlike me. Rather than enjoying, a part of my mind was stuck to that not-so-comfortable thought of me looking Overdone. I went to the washroom to wash off my makeup and ended up looking wasted. I sat down in one corner trying to save myself from the looks that I’d invited, but all in vain. My friend was more embarrassed than I was, thanks to me! Everyone out there was asking him about me. I felt horrible, horrible for spoiling my friend’s birthday.

 Dressing to the nines was never so upsetting to me. That night when I was off to bed I went into my deep thoughts. That evening for sure gave me a lesson that one should always deem advice of friends and wear dress and makeup according to the occasion and place where you’re going. So, it’s not always a good idea to be dressed to the nines.